Keep the poo in the bag.

Ahh, the Upper West Side. A suburban-like oasis in the heart of NYC. A bastion of baby stroller-filled brunches. A Woody Allen movie come to life. Seinfeld's address of choice. A playground of monstrous museums and green parkland. As clean as the City gets, perhaps. Why can't every neighborhood have a little UWS in 'em? Don't get us wrong, we're bored stiff on Columbus and 81st...truth be told, our nose starts to bleed as soon as we cross 23rd Street...but as much as it pains us to admit it, it sure is clean up there in 'dem parts.

Just have a look at the above sign we came across at the dog walk near the Planet-arium...

Can you imagine this posted near Washington Square?

Maybe we're getting old, or maybe a little crazy...but there sure is something nice about the clean, green, UWS.

How can we bring some of that uptown sensibility downtown? Send us your thoughts and we'll post our favorites.

That trash ain't so bad...

So we're walking down 1oth street and we pass this pile-o-trash and it looks pretty, pretty, pretty big. (Sorry, had to get an ode-to-Larry David on the site...we miss him on HBO!)

So we turn the phone to camera mode and and get ready to snap when our friend says, "That trash ain't so bad," like Clubber Lang putting Apollo in his place.

And yes...wait a tic...we have friends. Just because we write a Blog and quote Rocky III, doesn't mean we don't have friends. Heck, we're not Trekkie's, we never won Zelda, we don't watch the new Dr. Who...ok maybe we watched one or two episodes, but that's just because we love the BBC...and we do have friends. Seriously. We do.

Anyway, we turn to our friend in this moment of panic, horror and shear confusion and say, "That's not so bad?!? Are you looking at the same pile-o-trash, my innocent inept friend?"

And she says, "Yes, I am. It's not so bad. I've seen worse."

At this point of the mind-numbing conversation (YES, mind numbing, what--so we get a little dramatic--we're a Pisces--it's in our stars, ok!?) we realize our dear sweet friend has become desensitized to NYC's trash. And herein lies one of our biggest hurdles in cleaning up our streets--the New York state of mind. And slowly fade-in Billy Joel song....and cut.

Yes, the City needs to find more dump sites, put together a larger budget for more frequent trash removal, be more consistent and strict with fines, and find ways to cut back on trash production. But even if the City achieves these goals, we New Yorkers need to change our mindset. (Here comes the rant): We can't live comfortably among piles-o-trash. We can't silently judge one pile versus another only to cut a hulking stash of trash down to "not that bad". We can't sit idle when pin-head bankers toss Metrocards on the ground, and we can't sit back and expect the City to take care of everything. We need to come up with creative solutions and clean our streets.

So after this momentary blast of emotion and reason we turn to our trash-blind friend and say, "You're an idiot. Get out of the shot...you're blocking the toilet."

What? D'you think we got all suburban and cuddly on you? We're still in favor of New Yorkers being loud, pushy, sarcastic and for that reason lovable and magnetic...we just want cleaner streets!

I see your trash is as big as mine.

Yes, we are riffing on Spaceballs...but come on, don't you remember how funny that movie was?

Anyway, any reader who can send us a photo depicting a trash pile larger than the one in our last Trash-arazzi posting will win a limited edition "Trash-arazzi" t-shirt.

"Trash-arazzo" for guys, "Trash-arazza" for the ladies, naturally.

Send shots to cleannycnow@gmail.com.

Trash-arazzi: The largest trash pile ever.

August 6, 7:30PM
24th between 5th and 6th

Have a look at this pathetic pile of garbage--do you see the woman walking behind the wall-o-trash? She was of above average height. We saw her on the street. She was at least 5-7 or taller. However, this physically impressive woman nearly vanished behind that massive barrier of refuse. We feared for her life!

After we snapped this picture we tore across the street and dove Commando-like over the bags in hopes of rescuing her from certain doom, via trash-pile suffocation. Luckily she managed to shimmy her way past the bulging bags and narrowly escaped without harm, save for two severely numbed nostrils due to the excessive pressure she applied while pinching her nose shut.

We were not so lucky. Our heroic dive left us bruised and battered; not to mention our heart, broken by the mere site of the wall-o-trash.

This 6-foot wall-o-trash ran 30-feet-long on 24th street...and it stayed there for 12+hours--we saw the trash men remove the pile this morning. Why can't all trash be put out an hour or two before pickup? Isn't that how its done in Tokyo? And Paris? Not the night before, when it can rot on the street for hours on end as a feast for rats, vagrants and B and T's from Eugene (what, Long Islanders gotta eat too!)

Readers comments: God bless fornicating, devil worshipping, litterous Americans.

Over the last five days, our readers have had some strong opinions. A few are listed below...along with responses from our editorial staff:

• "I think you've hit on the perfect idea. The places people are allowed to smoke should be where the City dumps its garbage! Oh, Trashy, GREAT IDEA!!!!"

Dear reader, we never meant to imply smokers should have to sit near garbage...in fact we are outraged smokers need to sit near garbage. They are putting enough garbage in their lungs already, they certainly don't need to sit on garbage as well.

• "The garbage problem is unhealthy, gross and frankly an embarrassment to all of us. I once was stopped for directions by a group of foreign tourists (first-time visitors to NYC), and they were shocked to discover how dirty NYC was and asked how that could be. In a city that’s so admired around the world, a place so many people can only dream of visiting, imagine the shock of finding piles and piles of garbage (and food!) all over the streets."

Dear reader, you don't need to preach to the choir, we're with you. We were asked for directions this weekend--someone looking for a bar on Bowery--and we were so shamed by the idea of this tourist encountering trash on their walk through the LES that we gently coaxed them into hanging out in Soho instead. Of course just a block away on Prince street we saw a monstrous pile of trash anyway...at least there were Prada bags in that pile.

• "I completely understand the need to keep our environment clean, healthy adn litter free, but violently accositng those who do is not the best way to go about it. In fact, a friend and I were viciously attacked by some fat, balding hippy in Davis Square by my school the other day and he followed us into an ATM vestible, hollering at my friend for dropping a receipt on the ground and not picking it up. I disagree with her action, but as a young woman, I was afraid for the safety of my person. So, if anything, yell at the person if you must (although its really not the MATURE thing to do). But don't terrorize people. I've got the right to drink bottled water, smoke cigarettes, fornicate, worship the devil and drop shit on the city streets if i feel like it. This is America."

Dear reader, this is America, you're right about that. And please know we never meant to encourage violence. In fact we never mentioned anything of the sort. We did detail our pure anger directed towards litterers and we can't hide that fact. But we didn't encourage violence towards these heathen. And yes, dear reader, as an American you have the right to smoke cigarettes, and fornicate, and even worship the devil--as long as you are fornicating and smoking and devil worshipping in the privacy of your own home, one-hour motel room or designated public space. You see, as an American you can't fornicate anywhere you please...these things called laws prohibit that sort of thing. It should be noted these same complicated laws prohibit you from littering, i.e. "dropping shit on the city street." Quite frankly, it's Americans like you--Americans that adhere to such an arrogant and ignorant thought process--that give all other Americans a bad name and keep our city streets covered in trash. So my fellow Americans in closing, we pray...God bless America...God bless fornication and bottled water, and God bless those crazy things called laws.

Monday stains.

D'you ever take the time to look down at the sidewalks of NYC? D'you ever notice the nasty trash-stains?

You see, trash doesn't just make for a smelly, dirty eyesore it also stains our streets and these stains are...smelly...dirty...eyesores.

So at the end of the day, you can take the trash off the street, but you can't take the...street...off the, trash...?!? Hold up, that doesn't make sense...does it?

Wait a minute...fool me once, and shame on...you? Fool me twice and...what was that line President Dubya used?

Oy...it's been a long Monday.

Dirtier than: Readers comments

In our July 31st "Dirtier than..." post we asked you to clarify the dirtiness of 24th street between 6th and 7th--your creativity never ceases to amaze...some of our favorites below:

-Christine claims 24th street is dirtier than, "New Jersey"...that's pretty dirty. We hope Jon Bon Jovi isn't reading this...but Jon, if you are, tell The Boss we love him!

-Maverick5483 chimes in with, "a goat's rectum"...that's downright horrid. One question, Mr. Maverick, how do you know if a goat's rectum is dirty? Hmmmm.

-Claudia says dirtier than, "Sicilian revenge"...which is truly quite dirty...and brings to mind our favorite line from the Princess Bride. All hail Wallace Shawn.

And finally, the most depraved response comes from Immon--which, for purposes of keeping our PG-13 rating here at Clean NYC Now, we paraphrase below:

-dirtier than, "a [lady of the night's] [undergarment's] after a long night in Hunt's Point."

Immon obviously owns a laundromat in the Bronx and is prone to vivid, psychotic hallucinations. Please seek professional help.